Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Feels

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!