Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*