Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

Lmao

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Ugh but profoundly

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.