Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Sure. Why not?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.