Krampus.
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[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Milk Cube
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.