Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids