Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.