@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Free him
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Orange cat behavior 😂
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
