@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
This seems like peak sibling energy
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
buys donuts instead
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
