Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I’m literally crying

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny