Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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weaknesses
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
he’ll never suspect a thing
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
why isn’t he texting back
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.