According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30