Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

🤨

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.