It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You Might Also Like
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to