Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
💀 😭
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.