Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I can fix him.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”