Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
japanese corn
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.