Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
True
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”