Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I’m about to risk it all
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Old old old old old west
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Jogging
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir