Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?