I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
no such thing as a dumb question
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My boss called in sick of me
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”