Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.