Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
they finally got him. they got macavity
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it