Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.