Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
You Might Also Like
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Every. Damn. Time.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
And that about sums it up.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.