I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I believe the plural is “milves.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?