[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
❤️🦆
can’t wait til they legalize outside
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?