Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
and now we wait
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
B
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk