Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once