Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement