Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
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I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs