KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.