KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Home is where your toilet is.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”