Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.