Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami