Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.