Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

happy friday

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi