Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Uh oh 👀

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

prepare for carbonated trouble

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.