Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
You Might Also Like
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
How all things should be taught/explained.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana