Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

☺️

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

You better watch out

😎 🍻

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!