Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.