Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him