Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Netflix and you sit over there.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.