Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
They’re on their honeymoon
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Muppet Screams
😂 amazing answer
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”