Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
You Might Also Like
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
tourist season
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.