Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”