Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣