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@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

@gossiped

i used to be good at math but then i finished 1st grade

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@praisecheese

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

@slyoung5

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

@Barack_and_Joe

When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.

@PhilJamesson

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

@arealliveghost

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

@Robbie_Cakes

Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you’ve got a pizza!

@3Snowbee3

BF: Will you marry me?
GF: Do we have to live together?
BF: