horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.
If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago
Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad