@markhoppus: Kylo Ren is so tortured because he can’t decide if his final form is supposed to be goth or emo.
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@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now? Me: Sure, go ahead Interviewer: [dials number] Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
@DrakeGatsby: Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen. Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
@Jasmin_Tatts: I don't usually spank the kids while we're in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.