Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

Hamburger Hinderer.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

What’s the point buying it then?

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.