Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

GM✌🏻

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.