Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You Might Also Like
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.