Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
it’s the silliest best thing
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones