Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

barbara was highly relatable

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French