Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
💀🤣
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Life with a cat in one tweet
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.