Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.