Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You Might Also Like
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me opening up to someone
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Oh deer
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though