Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.