la cocaina
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[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
there’s music for literally every activity
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.