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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Proctology is located in A55
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.