la cocaina
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…