Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.