Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

This made me smile…

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

my nickname in college

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

LOL

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.