[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.