LA today:
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
problems i need
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
