LA today:
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#TopTip
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.