Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

😭😭😭