Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.