lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
ready to be harvested
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week