[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Jail
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*offers Batman cough drops*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?