[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Well, my evening plans are ruined
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god