Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

No laws when master is gone

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.